Zen Sarcasm

Author: Unknown
Source: Leslie

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• No one is listening until you fart.
• Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like "The Force"--it has a light side and a dark side, and holds the universe together.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.
• Never, (NEVER) under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.