yes, it is an old joke, but still it rings true...
Please disseminate to airmen at all levels.
Therefore, this program will phase out older airmen by the end of the current fiscal year. The initial phase of the program will be known as SLAP (Specialty Late-Aged Program). Airmen who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Air Force. SLAPPED airmen can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All airmen who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the MAJCOM level. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an airman may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Air Force deems appropriate. If an airman follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any airman who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Air Force.
The government wishes to assure the younger airmen who remain on board that the Air Force will continue its policy of training airmen through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This Air Force takes pride in the amount of SHIT our airmen receive. We have given our airmen more SHIT than any other service. If any airman feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current assignment, see your immediate supervisor.